thoughts-and-rants

Funny...

2007-02-06T08:07:00.000-08:00

I met a man this week who was once a minister. He has walked away from it all... mostly due to a divorce... but in many ways because he started doing the same thing that many of us are doing... asking the dangerous questions.

He doesn't know it... but he believes in Universal Reconciliation... We will discuss it at some point, and I'll let him know that there are a bunch of us out there who are just like him.

I'm really excited to get to talk more with him about it. He's really smart... but he's out of the box. I find that there is nothing more stimulating than conversations with really smart ex-box people.

I'm so grateful for the new friends that I have made these last 2 years. People who I would have never given the time of day to before are now fascinating to me in their thoughts and questions. It's a pretty amazing thing when you stop being so closed minded!!

Do you ever wonder why you're self centered?

2007-01-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I am so self centered. Seems like everything in life revolves around how it affects me. That's pretty pathetic. Hate it!

But then I started thinking about the image of God that I was raised with. He is jealous...if you don't love him with all of your heart he will send you to an eternal torture. He created creatures to praise him and if they don't, they pay the price. If you don't do what he says on this earth...he will curse you and bring you to your knees. Gee...wonder where I got such a self centered attitude from...

This is exactly why I don't get the Bible. God is love... agape love. Agape love loves with no strings attatched. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not self serving...it keeps no records of wrongs..it is never ending. So, how exactly do these two images of God fit together? Damned if I know!!!

What's New in my Crazy Head!!

2007-01-30T07:08:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you guys who care enough about me to pray for me and check on me. Thank you so much.

I've not been blogging much lately because I have been dealing with stuff... my stuff...my ugly stuff... And here it is for you to see...

I am the type of woman who NEEDS the attention and admoration of a man. Tis true...pathetic...but true. It has been what has been driving me for quite a while now. I have been seeing this guy and I have basically overwhelmed him with my NEED.

It's funny. I thought I was a victim. I felt like a victim..."I need someone to tell me how special I am..." But this last week it all came clear to me. I'm not a victim...I'm a selfish person!!! It's all about me! Every relationship that I have been in with a man has been all about how he makes me feel...ME..ME...ME! That's so wrong! How did I become this type of person?

Self centeredness has a way of disguising itself and looking weak when in reality it is a monster.

It's been a hard couple of weeks around here. It's hard when you live a certain way for so long and it is a part of your personality and then you decide you want to change it.

I know that God knows how selfish I am. He has known all along. I'm not working on this issue to impress God...I'm dealing with this head on because it makes life suck and it is an ugly way to be. I ask God to help me everyday to overcome this flaw...and He is helping me.

So, to those of you who believe that God doesn't hear and answer the prayers of fornicators...you are wrong. He is helping this self-centered fornicator to change!!

FEAR

2007-01-18T06:29:00.000-08:00

Of all the things that rob me in this life...fear is the one that is the cruelest. It robs me of things that aren't even here yet or things that aren't even real. It paralizes me...it lies to me...it torments me...

I hate fear! I hate it more than anything that I can think of. It makes me look ahead and think the worst. It robs me of life's simple pleasures. It makes me see my glass as half empty instead of half full. It alters my paths because it projects a terrible outcome. God!!! I hate fear!!

Why am I so afraid? When did I first learn about this fear? Well, probably as a child something bad happened to me and it made me feel really bad, so I started worrying that that bad feeling would return in some shape or form. I don't like to feel bad so I began to fear that that feeling would return.

But I know when fear really set in. I know when it became my master. It was when I first was told that if I didn't do a certain thing that God would torture me forever...Fear didn't set in right away. It wasn't until I believed that what I had been told was true that it gained its power. "Do this and you'll be fine...do that and you will burn in hell." I was told this by someone who I loved and respected. I was young...I believed them. At the point, all of my decisions became fear based. It was no longer about growing as a person...it was about keeping my ass out of the flames. Talk about stunting a person's growth!!! Life, at that point, became about doing the right things so that that place that I feared, more than anything, would be avoided.

With the fear of hell nothing more than a silly belief in the past...I am finally beginning to grow as a person. And now that the ultimate fear in life is gone...hell...I am learning to conquer other fears. Here are a few...

Fear of being hurt
Fear of messing up my kids
Fear of being poor
Fear of growing old alone
Fear of being disabled
Fear of not pleasing people
Fear of wasting my life
Fear of getting in over my head
Fear of becoming a drunk
Fear of becoming a slut
Fear of becoming a Jehovah's Witness (you may laugh...but it really has been a fear...not just them but any wacky religious group)
Fear of getting ugly
Fear of going bald (again...really has been a fear)
Fear of failing at life (who decides that one?)

I hate fear!!!! At least a burgler steals real stuff...your TV, computer, money, car. Fear on the other hand is much more devious...it robs you of things that aren't even there and tortures you in the process!!! God!!! I hate fear!!!

My Way

2007-01-14T07:49:00.000-08:00

No...it's not a Frank Sinatra song...It's Los Lonely Boys

"I don't need no fortune
I don't need no fame
That's all just an illusion
To me, it don't mean a thing, No
You can try and deceive me, but I see right through your skin
What you try to tell me is something I don't believe in
Listen to me

Don't tell me how to live my life
Don't tell me how to pray
Don't tell me how to sing my song
Don't tell me what to say
Cause I believe that miracles happen every day
I don't care what you say...I'm gonna do it my way

You say you have all the answers
And I should do it your way
How many times do I have to tell you, I ain't no puppet on a string
Listen to me

Don't tell me how to live my life
Don't tell me how to pray
Don't tell me how to sing my song
Don't tell me what to say
Cause I believe that miracles happen every day
I don't care what you say...I'm gonna do it my way"

I could not have said it better myself!!!! Now that I think about it...Frank had the right idea too!

If you Build it...They will come

2007-01-13T07:16:00.000-08:00

Remember that movie...Field of Dreams? Ever feel that way? It's like you have to be ready for the amazing event that is ready to come your way. That's what's happening in me these days. I'm ready for certain things in my life...so here they are!! It's wonderful.

Christians mean well...but they are so boxed in with their theology...so narrow minded. If I had stayed in the mindset I was in 3 years ago...none of this would have come my way.

Thanks christians for all you try to do to help me...but you see...God is so much bigger than you realize...he won't be contained in your nice little box...he lives outside of it...and I have joined him there. I know I make you uncomfortable when I say things like...it's only a book written by men...but it is truly the way I see it. God will not be contained in words on paper...rules of conduct...step by step formulas.

Thanks christians for your warnings of pending doom and judgement...I know you mean well...but God is not as you think he is. You are seeing him through the eyes of men who wanted control over people. God desires to control no man.

I dance with God through this beautiful thing called life on this earth. Some days I cry some days I laugh...but I always dance. He sets me free from you...you bind me. You bind me with your rules and regulations and then demand that I dance. He frees me with his love and I can't help but dance in the liberty.

Thank you for your concern...but you really need to be concerned for yourself. You have placed yourself and your book as my judge. I don't think God likes what you are trying to do to me...He can speak to me quite clearly... Why don't you spend time alone with God away from all of your theology and see where he leads you.

The Prophet Speaketh

2007-01-07T14:13:00.000-08:00

I had someone, who is currently going to a school of ministry that is big into prophecy, ask me if he could call some of his friends and ask them to give prophecies for me. Do you see the sign that says stupid on me? I said OK.

Well, let's just say that I sat there for 1 hour and listened to all of the personal prophecies about how I am sinning and need to turn from it. The devil has pulled me away...blah...blah...blah

I know what God is doing inside of me. The moment he opened his mouth...I knew that it didn't match what is happening in my heart. I will admit, it shook me up for a few minutes...but I finally decided that I have to follow the voice that I hear and not the voice of man. Always hard for me to do. Gee...things are a changin' though. There was a time when I would have really struggled with hearing that my heart isn't matching the voice of the so called prophet. I would have gone into a spiral of questioning emotions and made myself sick over it. Boy, I don't miss those days.

Good Bye 2006

2006-12-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

Today it leaves me...2006. Tomorrow it will only be a memory. What will leave with 2006?..many things...

Judgement for imperfect people
Slavery to a book
An angry God
The idea that my holiness was the goal
Guilt for being a sexual creature
Fear of not being loved
The need to secure someone or something
The box
The chain
The whip
The load
The shit.... good riddens!

Welcome 2007...what will replace these things? I can't wait to watch you unfold.

God bless you all of my blogger brothers and sisters.

Free to pray

2006-12-30T07:49:00.000-08:00

I have not really prayed and asked God for anything for a long time...too much church doctrine still in me...you must be at a certain level of holiness or God won't answer you...or you must pray a certain way or God won't be able to respond...that kind of junk.

This morning I prayed for a man that I was with last night. According to some standards we both deserve the whip of chastisement for what we did, do, will do, want to do, fantasize about doing...you get the picture. But this morning was monumental for me...I prayed as if God would hear me no matter what my actions or his actions have been...and I felt received. Weird huh?

Can a person really trust God?

2006-12-28T08:44:00.000-08:00

My whole life, I have been taught that we have to take control of our flesh and wrestle it into submission to a certain standard. I'm a professional wrestler. But today, I have laid down my belt. Can a person who finds themself struggling with a certain issue that they just can't seem to get a handle on really ask God to take control of it and just forget about it? Is that what God would have us to do. Does he want wrestlers or resters? I'm tired of wrestling. I'm tired of grabbing that sweaty thing and holding it down. Think I'll just let God handle me.

A broader point of view

2006-12-27T06:09:00.000-08:00

I love where I am in my journey (not that I'm not scared to death sometimes,) but I absolutely love what is happening in my heart. I have grown more as a person, and learned more about myself in the last two years than I think I have in the last 10. Maybe it's the wisdom that comes with middle age (86 would be a decent amount of years to live.) Whatever it is...it is amazing. I am able to think outside of the box. That is so wonderful. I hated being a box head. I talked to a box head yesterday. She is so afraid to go anywhere except her strick regiment of what life is supposed to look like. I feel sorry for someone who cowers behind fear of failure. I guess there is some wisdom in being cautious, but at what expense. I've said it before and I'll say it again...liberty is only for the daring.

When will I Learn

2006-12-26T19:20:00.000-08:00

I made the huge mistake today of discussing my beliefs about eternal torture being a man made doctrine with and Evangelical Christian....what the hell was I thinking??????????????????

And she's off...

2006-12-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

22 years of being fenced in within the bondage of religion can really take its toll on a gal. "Don't do this...don't think that...don't drink it...don't go there...don't say that...on and on the list of don'ts goes. Now that the gate has been swung wide open...I'm not sure how to leave the confinement that I have once called my holiness. "What if I mess up? What if I get myself adicted to something that is really harmful to me and my family?" But the grace of God is with me and that grace has such a power, doesn't it? It gives me the courage to try things even if they end up being the wrong things...because I know that I will learn from my mistakes and go on by that very same grace. Forgive me if I stumble out of the gate...my muscles are weak...I'm not sure which direction to go...but I know that it's time to "head em up, move em out!" Religion is safety...liberty is only for the daring.

Unequally yoked

2006-12-21T07:29:00.000-08:00

So, if I believe that God will untimately embrace all of creation, and I do...doesn't that nullify the whole "Make sure you marry a Christian, because if you marry a non-believer he will pull you into hell" mentality?

I married a christian my first time. He is still one today. And that son-of-bitch screwed everything that walked during our whole marriage. He even got to 2nd base with one of our teenage babysitters. Excuse me if I choose character over religious affiliations the second time around!

Seems like people believe that once they accept Christ, they will become like him...

Not in the circles I run in!

she flies through the air

2006-12-18T06:27:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like you are swinging on a trapeze and you have just left one and are hoping you catch the other? In real life...there are no safety nets...It's sky or floor baby! Well, that is exactly how I feel. But the beautiful thing is I see all of my blogger friends below me and they are smiling and waving...some are chatting with each other having a beer and not even worried about me. Some are yelling..."You got it girl! Focus ahead! Don't look back, Don't look down!" And when I look ahead at the trapeze coming my direction...I see a big strong hand reaching for me. I am safe. Even if I miss, he won't.

And the confession goes on...

2006-12-15T06:03:00.000-08:00

I am not sure, exactly, what I am experiencing at this time in my life, but I have to trust that God is in some way behind it and that it is going to be a good thing in the end. I guess, if nothing else, I am getting to know myself, my limitations, my weaknesses, my cries, my God.

There is a hole inside of me. It's been there forever. I spent 22 years in organized religion trying to get God to fill it. It never happened. I've tried to ignore it. It doesn't ever go away, just lays low for a while. I've tried to get a man to reach up there with his penis and somehow try to find it and fill it. It's only a temporary filling...and leaves you worse off than before. This ache...this lack...this hole continues. Why?

I can only come up with two answers...

Either God will not fill it because I am not someone he is interested in filling...or
What I'm looking for doesn't exist. And by that I mean...doesn't exist in the way that I have thought it should look.

I learned something about God last night. You can't really know the unconditional love of God until you know, and he knows, and you know he knows you know he knows, that you did something with your eyes wide open. You knew what you were doing. You knew that it was wrong, but you wanted to do it anyway because it felt good and you wanted to feel good. And God and you both knew that you would ignore him as long as you were feeling good and come running to him once that good feeling turned bad. That is the kind of person I am. I want to feel loved and I am going to go get it anywere I can and come running back to God when it starts to hurt again. It's not pretty, but it's my confession.

Confession

2006-12-12T06:36:00.000-08:00

I probably should have named my blogg Thoughts - Rants - and Confessions, but oh well. I have a confession to make (don't worry, it won't be as graphic as the last one!)

I realized something about myself. I am not EVER sorry for sinning. I am sorry for the hurt is causes me that's all. When I sin, it usually ends up hurting me or hurting someone I care about (which then in turn hurts me.) That is what I am sorry for...my own hurt. It really doesn't bother me one bit if God is hurt by what I am doing if it's not hurting me. When I think back to the times that I have been sad at hurting God, it's really because I felt that if I hurt him he would turn away from me which would in turn hurt me...so again, it's always been about my hurt. Sin for the sake of being wrong, does not bother me one bit. Hurting, on the other hand bothers me a whole bunch. Gee! Who knew I was such a self-centered person??? Not me until today. Now what? I don't know.

Hugo, I salute you!

2006-12-11T19:39:00.000-08:00

There are such wonderful people in this world. I have met such a man. My girlfriend (who is recently divorced and fresh out of man-help) got stranded with her car tonight. I tried to give her a jump...ha! what a joke!! I don't have too much man-help myself, so there we were two clueless women standing in the rain not really knowing what to do. Eventually we decided that she would just have to get it towed to a garage and have it repaired. She doesn't have the money for something like that, but what can you do. I took her to the local towing company and there we met Hugo. He is a shy guy with greased stained hands that probably never come clean. Hugo told her that he would come to where her van was after he got off of work and see what he could do rather than going to the expense of having it towed by the company. He stood out in the rain for an hour and figured out the problem. He was a determined man who knows his way around an engine. You could just tell that he was totally in his element. I asked him if he would like for me to go get him a cup a coffee. He smiled a shy little grin and said no "thank you." We sat in my warm van and watched Hugo do his magic. I fell in love with Hugo as I watched him. I'll never see him again, besides he is married, but I will never forget what he did for my friend. He fixed her car for such a small price. God surely resides in Hugo. I saw him there tonight.

Learning to stay put

2006-12-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's a woman thing, or maybe it's just a Diana thing...but I have always struggled with over examining everything. Pick it up and look at it a million different ways. Boy that takes a lot of energy, and what good is it? Things are going to go the way they are going to go. What good does it do to try and imagine every way it could possibly go. There is a time to think and act, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about situations where there really is nothing you can do but just wait. Waiting is good for me. It teaches me to just stay where I was put. Hold the course, stay put, and trust. Easier said than done, but I can at least see some progress. Waiting is a good thing...waiting is a good thing...waiting is a good thing!!

Things are a changin'

2006-12-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

I can feel it within my soul. I am free to be stupid and not hate myself in the process. I am free to be weak and not be embarrassed about it. I am free to make mistakes and learn from them. I am free to be loved for the flawed person I am! Because my flaws are seen only by humans, the Devine sees something different.

God's love has lifted me up in a swirl of smiles. He is embracing his own in the way that only he can. He is my unconditional lover...always ready with a gentle touch and a kinder word. He makes my head spin with acceptance. His smile radiates within me a warmth that reaches every cold spot. He has lifted me to a place that only he can. "It's OK...live, learn, and be loved by your maker."

How to Show Compassion

2006-12-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who got messed up in some really bad stuff a few years ago and is serving about 60 years in prison. For whatever reason, I just couldn't blow him off. I guess it's because I knew that I am capable of some pretty dumb stuff and if I were where he is, I would want somebody to still care about me. It will take a miracle for him to get out alive.

So, the guy sits in jail...he's only in his 30s, he has no wife or children...just a loving mother who visits him weekly. I have never been to visit him. It's just too uncomfortable for me to go to a prison...being single and all. As of late, I have noticed that he is reaching out to me as a man does to a woman. The guy still has emotional needs.

For some strange reason, I want to reach back to him as a woman and not just a friend. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on marrying a man who is serving a life sentence. Even I'm not that lonely! But there is just something in me that feels his lack of romance and the need to be loved by a woman. I don't know. This is all too weird, but I almost feel that the loving thing for me to do is respond back in a way that would remind him that he is still a living man.

I don't want to lead the guy on or anything, I just want to let him know that he is still a man even though everything that he once identified with as being a man is removed from his life.

I would really appreciate hearing what you guys think about this. Do I need therapy??

Learning to Love Myself

2006-12-05T06:54:00.000-08:00

Of all of the surprising things that have happened to me this last year or so, the one that I have really appreciated has been learning to love myself. I guess it's only natural to learn to love one's self when you are learning to love people in general (I am a person too.) The more that I come to respect and love people right where they are and not try to change them into something worthy of my love and respect, the more that it is naturally happening with myself.

However, I do think that there is something else going on under the surface here. I have thought (ever since I heard of God) that I had to become something different for him to love me. I had to "do" something. Even if that something was to "believe with all of my heart." When you walk around with that circling in your head, there is this unknown message to yourself that you aren't good enough the way you are. You have to change. Add that to the images that bombard you everyday of your life and you end up with a 43 year old woman who basically doesn't like herself and wishes she was someone else. How sad is that...living this life wishing you were somebody else that you know you can't become? Very sad indeed.

Perhaps it's just a midlife crisis...I've heard of those. Perhaps it's the onset of menapause...It's just around the corner they say. But whatever it is, I must admit it feels wonderful to love and accept myself just the way I am. The scars and imperfections tell the story of a life that has been lived on this planet. I'm pretty sure that when God looks at my scars and imperfections he's reading the story he has written. God! It's good to get older!!! Of course, if I was God...I would make it possible to take what I have learned in 43 years and put it back into a 23 year old body!!! Ha! But then again, I probably wouldn't.

It Must Be Said

2006-12-01T22:21:00.000-08:00

"Good people sleep peaceably in their beds at night because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."

Want to know how much respect I have for our fighting men...a whole fuckin' bunch!

Ever been wrong?

2006-12-01T16:00:00.000-08:00

Ever thought that you did something that made you look like a total fool, only to find out that it may have been one of the best things you've done in a while? Yep, that's what happened to me. How cool is that. I think I spend too much time second guessing myself and worrying. I need to spend more time trusting God and not taking this pathetic little life called Diana so seriously.

Live in the Now

2006-11-28T15:00:00.000-08:00

So, have you ever done something that you feel really stupid about and you wish you could go back in time and change what you did before you did it? Ever make a fool of yourself? It seems that if one is going to live this life and take chances, they are going to make mistakes. I don't like making mistakes. They make me look bad. However, I do find that the more mistakes I make, the less judgemental I am of other mistake makers. That's a good thing. A bit of humble pie always does a person good.

So, I will not sit here tonight and beat myself up for being too compulsive. I will remind myself that I did what I did because I am an open person. I say what I feel. Will I become more guarded??? I sure hope not. When your motivation for doing something is good, I guess the outcome isn't always so important. I don't want to live in fear of making another mistake. I want to become more forgiving of myself so that when I make mistakes, I can move past them quickly and see the bigger picture. Gee, I feel better now! I encouraged myself while writing this.

Time for a good old fashioned rant!

2006-11-25T20:04:00.000-08:00

I have been corresponding with a marine in Iraq for a few months now. He's a wonderful young man who is well aware that he could die everyday doing what he is doing serving this country. I came across a website called www.anymarine.com (which is amazing, if you want to support our troops, they make it very easy to do.) You can get the addresses of over a thousand marines and send them mail or packages. I want to send the guy I'm corresponding with what he needs over there, so I spent a while looking through what other marines are requesting so that I would know what to send. Can someone please tell me why United States Marines are having to request socks, hats, gloves, tooth paste, razors, foot powder, and batteries for their flashlights from people? Why isn't the finest military in the world being taken care of by the government who runs it? What politician can we kick out of office for this kind of crap? I find this to absolutely unexceptable!!! We say with our mouths that we love our soldiers...bullshit!! If so, they would have every need provided while they live in the armpit of the world dealing with people everyday who want to blow them up!!!

What I am Thankful For

2006-11-23T05:13:00.000-08:00

As I sit here early on this Thanksgiving 2006, I am reminded of the things which I am so thank for:

I am thankful for the finished work of Jesus Christ.

I am thankful that someday every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

Every thing else falls somewhere in between the two.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Boycott bullshit

2006-11-21T10:24:00.000-08:00

I got another email request from a friend today wanting me to boycott a company because of their sinful dealings. I guess Wal-Mart is a big gay supporter. So, according to this email, all of the christians are not going to shop at Wal-Mart this weekend to teach them a lesson. Give me a break!

Hey, people, a big time christian preacher just got forced out of the closet. I guess we should all boycott churches. There are gays there! I guess as long as you admit that what you are doing is wrong, then it's not so bad in the eyes of conservative christianity. At least that seems like the logic to me.

See ya at Wal-Mart this weekend!

Free to Love People

2006-11-18T06:28:00.000-08:00

One of the beautiful things that I have been given on this journey is the ability to love people right where they're at. It is such a relief to not feel the responsibility of another's eternal destiny on my shoulders. This false sense of responsibility makes for tense relationships because there is always an alterior motive behind every conversation...(I am trying to get you saved.)

I believe that God is about the business of his children. The Holy Spirit is revealing what God wants his kids to know and he doesn't need me to add to that. Wow! That is liberating in relationships.

I am currently corresponding with a marine in Iraq. (Let me just say right now that our military is made up of some of the finest people you will ever meet.) There was a time when I would have felt this burden to tell him about God. I would have felt that if I didn't, he wouldn't know and then he would go to hell and it would have been my fault. That kind of thinking didn't allow me to just be me and let others just be them and trust God in the mix of the whole thing. My relating about God was always forced...because I "had" to do it. There was never any fruit from that kind of stuff.

Today I am free to love this fellow American and accept him as he is. I am free to just be a friend, and not come off as somebody who is smarter than he is. It's a whole new way of relating and I am loving it. For the first time since I can remember, I am loving a person for who that person is. I'm not on a mission. I'm just walking beside another fellow human being as a companion. God is responsible for this man's heart as he is mine. I'm just the vessel that his love and mercy flows through. I can feel it.

The End of Myself

2006-11-17T06:54:00.000-08:00

There is nothing more liberating than to realize that you were never the one who was keeping the relationship going with God. To know that God has had me all of the time. To think of all of the times that I thought he was pissed and distant (thanks a lot preacher.) I sit here again this morning, in the weakness that makes up Diana and know that I am God's child. His hand has never left me. His gaze has always been on me. How can God look upon a filthy mess like me? He doesn't see my mess. He sees the finished work of his hand, Jesus Christ. Do I need to sin less? Yes, absolutely. But I know now that it is going to come out of that relationship and not the means of that relationship. If I were to dare to reveal the ugliness that is within me, you would blush. How absolutely mind blowing to know that God knows it all (and more) and is dealing with it for me. He knows why I do and think what I do and think. He sees beyond my actions and thoughts. He knows the rest of the story. And I love him for that. And I trust him for that.

Janis said it best.

2006-11-15T06:27:00.000-08:00

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose
And nothin' don't mean nothin' hon if it aint free!"

Loved Unconditionally

2006-11-14T06:41:00.000-08:00

In the depths of my soul there is and always has been a hunger to be loved unconditionally. To know that my faults and lacks are noticed only in the sense that they make me uniquely me. To be loved completely... cherished. That I could be free to be me without fear of rejection. I am actually beginning to experience that kind of love from God. Right in the midst of my faults there is a love that embraces me there and allows me to be real there without fear of rejection. I'm free falling. It's liberty!

The Gay Issue

2006-11-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

Two years ago I would have said that all gays are just perverted people who need to learn to say no to their lust. I'm beginning to wonder now if it is indeed that simple.

I doubt very seriously if Ted Haggard was just playing around with lust and it got out of control. I know some pretty lustful, perverted guys and they couldn't get drunk enough to have sex with another man. There has to be more behind the scenes than just lust gone wild.

I used to think that gays chose to be gay. But really, what kind of person would want to be gay? You are rejected by most of society and probably your family. You walk around with shame until you finally get enough support to come out and be who you really are. Not to mention you are at risk for some pretty ugly health issues. I just don't think it's as cut and dried as people say it is.

"But God wouldn't create something with the tendancy bent toward homosexuality." Really? We are all born bent toward sinning. Why would someone being born with the tendancy to be homosexual be any different than a person born with the tendancy to be any other kind of a sinner? And if sin is sin...then I think all of the fat people, or gossips, or those with lack of self discipline need to shut their mouths.

Honestly, I just don't know where I stand on the issue anymore. Life was so much simpler when I let somebody else do all of my thinking for me.

I wouldn't want one of my sons to be gay...but honestly, I can say today that I wouldn't reject him if he were. And I would think that anybody who was standing in judgment of him should look at their own sin and shut up.

They've Got a Wedgie

2006-11-08T07:03:00.000-08:00

I heard someone say that if religion doesn't build a bridge, it builds a wedge. How profound is that?

I know that I have been hard on christianity in my rants. As I see it, popular christianity is a wedge. It is the ultimate wedge. It is the wedge that keeps on wedging (for all eternity according to them.)

When I was a wedgie I didn't see myself as a wedgie. I saw myself as a bridge. I really believed that I was bringing people to Christ. The only problem is that by my own beliefs...those who didn't heed my call would burn in hell for all eternity. If that's a bridge...then it's a burning bridge. "Run my way or fry."

And while that would be effective if somebody really was walking on a bridge that was on fire and I was at the safe end, it is not effective in the world we live in. Christians who preach "Believe in Jesus or burn," are looked at as idiots by most everybody but themselves. While their message may make a few converts, the conversion is based on fear, not love. And the wedge message continues on. You are moved from one side of the wedge to the other, but never the less it is a wedge not a bridge.

Did Jesus Christ come as a wedge or a bridge. Some would say he came as a bridge the first time and he going to return as a wedge the second. (At least that's what I was told.)

I can't trust the wedge God. What if somebody I really care about is wedged out? What then? Heck! What if I am wedged out? There are far too many versions of what gets you on the right side of the wedge for me to walk in peace. I can fear a wedge God, and that is exactly what I have done for the last 22 years, but I can't love him.

I can love a bridge God. Knowing that God has taken care of mankind and none will be forgotten...how can you not love a God like that? If God is a wedge God, I have to love him or be wedged out. That is not love, that is fear mixed in with butt saving...but not love. But if God is a bridge God, I am free to love him (or not.) That is love.

Grace?

2006-11-07T14:40:00.000-08:00

Grace: Unearned favor; but of course you have to earn this favor by believing the right thing and having the right response. But after that, it's unearned; that is until you do something wrong, then you have to do the right thing. But when you do the right things, you will have God's unearned favor on your life. You must remember...you don't earn it, it's grace.

Excuse me while I purge!! I just have to get these lies out of my system.

Isn't it funny???

2006-11-06T15:55:00.000-08:00

"The gay prostitute that Ted Haggard was with is not forgiven by God", so the churchie will say, "But Ted is."

Why is this???

"Ted admitted that he is wrong. The other guy doesn't admit that he is wrong." the churchie will say.

So, our forgiveness with God is not based on how bad we are, but how wrong we are.

I thought Jesus died for sin. But the churchie would say," He died for the sins you confess."

And these same churchie who have unconfessed sin in their lives (because it is impossible to confess every sin you have ever committed) believe that the grace of God covers over the unconfessed ones. But, this applies only to the churchie!!!

Pecans or Walnuts?

2006-11-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am very sad. I'm sad when I think of the two men who have been recently exposed in their sin. I can't imagine how it must feel to be them, let alone their wives. Let those among us who are without sin, cast the first stone.

My, my, my how I have changed. Maybe it's because I know that I myself am a person who sins...regularly. I hope that I will never do something as shameful to my family as that, but it's totally possible. I doubt that either of them thought that they would either.

I think our stones would be better used for cracking open nuts.

Will I ever be rid of the angry God image?

2006-11-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night. I don't remember what it was about. All I remember was after I woke up, I felt as though God was totally pissed at me. I will be honest. I have been walking around for about 2 years now just waiting for the lightening bolt to strike. It sucks feeling like today may be the day that God has finally had enough of this rebellion to the church and their teachings and blast me in some devistating way.

I have to block out the images of God that I was given all of my life by well intending people. They thought that they were keeping me out of hell. But what they really did was place me square in the middle of it.

I wish I could appologize to every person that I have done that same thing to. I used to tell children that God was angry with their sin and if they didn't ask Jesus to come in and wash it all away and continue to do so, they would spend eternity in hell. I wonder how many of those children are adults today walking around afraid of God because they either didn't do what I said, or they did what I said but doubt that they meant it. I have infected them with the same disease that eats away at me.

No matter how much I try to dismiss what the christian doctrine teaches, I still know that deep down I'm haunted with the thoughts that God is going punish me. If not today, some day.

So, I am left with two choices. Either go back to the church I left...ask for forgiveness from all in authority and God and do my best to keep in line for the rest of my life...or...continue on this path and hope that someday the angry image of God will leave my heart and I will not be afraid of him anymore.

I know I won't do the first one, so I guess I will just have to continue on this journey until the second one becomes a reality. But as I sit here this morning, I wonder if that day will ever truly come. Will I ever experience, on this earth, what it feels like to not be afraid of an angry God? I sure hope so.

Knock knock...Who's there?...False...False who? False religion

2006-11-01T11:23:00.000-08:00

This morning while trying to unclog my bathtub drain so as to be able to take a shower, I was summoned to the door. Guess who? The JW's! They didn't try to bother me. Just said they were on a community service project and handed me their little brochure.

It's title was "Freedom from False Religion." It went into all of the reasons why other Bible teachings are false and they are right. Only problem is that the last people who stopped at my door told me that they had the truth. And that of course will contradict the next group that comes to my door (I hope I'm at least showered the next time.) All of these groups are reading the Bible mind you. All of them are seeking God for truth. All of them are dispensing thus gained truth and rebuking the falsies.

I hope they come back...any of them...all of them. I'm going to tell them that they are all false. NO RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION HAS GOD FIGURED OUT! Leave me alone or fix my drain!

seating arrangement

2006-11-01T06:31:00.000-08:00

I just don't know what it is about me these days that has me gravitating toward the "less spiritual" as labeled by the "more spiritual." I find myself identifying with them more. They don't act as if they are perfect. They don't sit in judgement of others sin (if they do, they don't act like it.)

Last night, I went to a bon fire (at the request of my children.) It was a bunch of people from my old church and a few others thrown in. I was uncomfortable (as always in fear of their judgement...I hate that about myself.) I felt rather unsocial until a family ...who would be considered less spiritual showed up. Suddenly I felt drawn into conversation with a girl. She had just gotten done trick or treating and we had a most delightful conversation about costumes and candy.

Two years ago, I would have shunned the girl. "She was one of those." Last night I found her unashamed enjoyment of Halloween refreshing.

I think as I come face to face with who I really am...a very weak person...I find that I am drawn to others that are considered weak as well. I hope this is the beginning of something good and not just an excuse to be weak.

Day of the Devil

2006-10-31T06:39:00.000-08:00

Today is the Devil's day! How ridiculous. I used to shun this day as if it meant something. I did not allow my kids to dress up and go get candy as if that had some spiritual meaning. How foolish. Just show up at a christian's house with your kids trick or treating and see how they respond. You'll soon learn that you are not a good christian. Is God disappointed with us if we give a little kid some candy tonight? Is God disappointed with the little kid who just wants to go around in a costume and get candy? It's all so silly.

The group that I hung with knew where God drew the line and they made sure we all followed. Harry Potter...bad! Lord of the Rings...good! Both had wizards and spells in them...but one was a story written by a christian and the other wasn't. Halloween...bad. Christmas...good. Easter...good. All were originally pagan celebrations that have changed what they were originally about but christians have decided to slap Jesus in the middle of two of them and leave the third one the day of the Devil. How foolish. I'm actually embarrassed at how extreme I allowed myself to get in an attempt to fit in.

Do I know my own heart?

2006-10-28T07:45:00.000-07:00

I want certain people to fail. I want them to experience the failure that they have judged in others. Why is it that people judge something going wrong in the life of another as that person's fault...either by letting the devil in or refusing to obey God, but when bad things happen to them...they are experiencing the trials that Paul spoke of!!! I hate that! I want them to experience something beyond their control and be humbled to see that they are no better than the person they have set themself up as superior to.

A friend said to me..."Haven't you just traded your hatred for the non-christians for hatred of the christians? I never hated the non-christians...I just didn't care about them. I felt superior to them and never really thought much about them. So, in reality I have traded not caring about somebody for hating somebody else. That's disturbing. Am I spiraling downward?

Am I deceiving myself into believing that I am being more Christ-like? He had compassion on the sinner, but he was pretty nasty to those who thought they were spiritually superior. It is exactly how I feel these days. I find myself hanging out with the "out" crowd. I find myself getting sick when I listen to the "in" crowd.

And yet... I know that I myself am not like Christ...he was perfect, I am far from perfect. I guess the place that one would hope to get to is to not feel superior to others and yet actually not be sinning to fit in with them. I hope that is where this is headed.

when people fear the devil

2006-10-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

I've been reading about the Salem Witch Trials. I had heard of them, but I never really knew what it was all about. Basically some young girls started doing bizarre things and the people in charge decided it was the work of a witch among them. So, they set out exterminating the witches causing the trouble.

I don't know that I believe that the devil grabs ahold of you and makes you say ugly things and makes your tongue stretch out of your mouth and whatever else these girls were doing. I think with all of the stories we've been told, and the movies we've watched we are looking for devilish things and when something happens that we can't explain we blame it on him.

I also read that there is a fungus, that if ingested, can cause the reactions that these young girls had. Wouldn't that be something if all it was was a physical thing causing a mental imbalance. I don't believe that anybody killed was guilty of witchcraft. It's just too far fetched.

Now the church I came from believed the devil was alive and well and we had to deal with him on a regular basis. Sometimes I wonder if we don't create our own devilish delusions because we walk in fear of the devil and his power over us.

I've come to a place where I just don't think of him anymore. I don't fear his power over me. I used to think he was so powerful and that I had to make sure that I steered clear of him.

I guess if I'm wrong, then again, I will have something grand to say when I stand in front of the great congregation and confess my wretched doings and how the devil made me do it.

Sometimes I wonder why we fear

2006-10-27T06:51:00.000-07:00

I started this whole blogg thing for two reasons. I wanted to comment on other people's bloggs and I wanted a place where I could let it all out (since I currently don't have anybody in my life to do that with.) Then people actually started reading my blogg (which is kind of cool, but at the same time scarey.) Do I dare still continue on with the original goal of this blogg? There have been people who have visited it regularly. Do I dare say what I am about to say? Yes, if not, then what is the point of yet more relationships where I wear a mask. Feel free to stop reading at this point.

I'm the kind of person who has to hear myself say it or read myself write it to process information. I do a lot of talking in the shower to myself, that kind of stuff. So, I write this for that reason. I want to understand what is happening in my life and this has been a safe place to do that.

I did the big "M" the other night. I don't know why. I just felt like it. Now, I have been taught that masturbation is self-sex which is having sex with someone else besides your husband (be it present or future) so that is adultry. I got divorced 9 years ago and right away I set up a defense system to fight off this adulterous temptation. I just knew that the moment I did it, every demon in this county would come perch on my bedpost and turn me into a masturbating freak who feeds off of porn or a slut.

One time I came particularly close and it bothered me so much that I set up an appointment with my pastor for a counseling session. His counsel was for me to write down every sexual sin that I was quilty of. This took me a couple of weeks. I had to go back in my mind and remember all of the things that I had forgotten either because of shame, guilt, believing I was forgiven of them, or had dismissed as foolishness on the part of a woman who lived with a pervert for a while. It was hard. I hated the list. It had some pretty disgusting things there. I wrote them in a way that nobody but me could understand what they were really saying. I kept the list hidden and on the day that I had to take it to him, I kept it in my back pocket. It was too ugly to have in my hand. That was too far away from me and too vunerable. Thank God, he didn't ask to read it. I was so affraid he was going to.

To be honest, I don't even remember what was said at the meeting. I do remember feeling like a very bad person who had a lot to be ashamed of in her past. Did the urges leave completely? No, but somehow I kept up the strength to fight them off. I would have a lot of sexual dreams. I always felt dirty the morning after. I didn't go back and tell him about them. I burned the list.

Well, I find it very strange...this thing that happened the other night. Somehow I thought when the time came that I did do the dreadful deed that it would be this extreem high followed by this extreem low. It basically felt like scratching a good itch...nothing more. I got up the next morning and felt nothing. No guilt, with God anyway. I did feel shame, or I wouldn't have made such a big deal about it on my blogg, but no guilt. That surprised me. Two years ago I would have been afraid. I would have felt that unless I confessed it to my pastor and asked God to forgive me I was headed for a world of trouble. I won't be doing that. I'm not confessing here. Just getting my thoughts out.

So, I'm thinking this is either two things. One, Satan is at work and he has a master plan that involves moving very slowly. He has set a trap that will utlimately ruin my life and I am falling right into it. Or, two, it's a human thing to do and it really isn't that big of a deal. I guess time will tell which one it is. If my life begins a spiral turn and falls apart, I will be able to come back to this event and pin point when it all went south. That will be good for the time that I go back to my church confess everything, ask for forgiveness, and let people know how to avoid doing the same thing. If that doesn't happen, I'll wonder why a pastor would put someone through such a horrible thing when all he would have had to do was say..."It's pretty normal."

Who are you and what have you done with me?

2006-10-26T07:09:00.000-07:00

I don't seem to recognize myself these days. For instance, the other day I saw a political add with Michael J. Fox asking people to vote for the canidate that would support stem cell research. Now two years ago, I would have agreed with the religious right wing. However, as I watched that commercial, I felt quite different.

Let me see if I have this straight...The religious right wing supports the right to life for the innocent and because of this they fear that stem cell research would cause a market for abborted babies and that is why they won't support it. They think it is wrong to kill an innocent person to save another person's life so to speak (as in curing a disease.)

What I find odd is that most of these religious right wingers are for the war in Iraq. Aren't innocent people dying over in Irag? Don't we know when we go into a war that innocent will die? It's just the price of war? We justify it because we are focusing on the bigger picture. So, it's not that they refuse to take an innocent life...it's that they have decided when that is a sin and when it is not.

Am I the only one who sees this?

God heals warts and moles

2006-10-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

About three years ago, I was heavy into the word of faith movement. I was speaking to everything. I would stand up in my kitchen, turn towards a certain person's house and bind the devil off of her. I would lay my hands on people and believe God to do the impossible. I guess I wasn't that good at it. Nothing ever came from my faith and prayers.

During that period in my life, I went with some friends to a seminar. On the last day, they had a faith healer stand up and call out healings that were happening in the audience. I am legally blind in my left eye. I sat there thinking...this is it. If he says anything about a left eye...I'm healed!!!

Well, he did alright. And when he did, I took off running right up front and flopped down on the ground. Now this was no ordinary ground. It was ground covered by saw dust, but hey, when a healin's coming, you gotta get radical! I layed there for several minutes believing with all of my heart that I my eye was healed. When I finally got the guts to open it and check...my vision was still blury. I prayed some more...still blury. After 20 minutes or so, I gave up. But now I had a dilema. I was laying down with my back side covered in saw dust in front of about 5,000 people. I don't know why, but I was the only one who was up front. Everybody else was sitting in their lawn chairs further back.

I'm not sure how I got up and got back to my seat. All I really remember is somebody was preaching. Eventually I sank back to my lawn chair still legally blind in one eye.

I got a call from a friend this morning. She went to a seminar last week. She had this annoying mole on her neck. She prayed and asked God to take it away. Well, what do you know. She started picking at it with tweezers and now it is gone. Praise the Lord! She also told me of a young boy who had warts on his feet. His feet are clear now. Praise the Lord!

When I think back on my event, I wonder why I wasn't healed. Was I not believing enough? I would think that running up in front of 5,000 people and flopping down in the saw dust would describe the level of belief I was in.

It all leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. I did my best to sound excited for my friend and her good news, but honestly...I'm ticked.

Dance, Stop

2006-10-24T07:11:00.000-07:00

As I entered the home of some christians the other day, I was hit in the face with their blaring worship music. Now, I am a big fan of music, but there is a proper level of music for conversation and then there is an obnoxious level that is just plain rude. I wandered around the house until I found a seat that wasn't overpowered as much by the noise.

I sat there feeling very uncomfortable. I get that way around christians these days. I don't go to church, they all know that. I had actually considered dressing up this Sunday afternoon and putting on make-up so that I could fit in (you know look like I went to church earlier.) But, I didn't. I sat there in my jeans and hoodie clean faced avoiding the music.

The song was about dancing because you love God. That's a good idea I guess. But as I sat there I remembered a conversation I had with God several days eariler. (I guess they really aren't conversations. I do all of the talking.)

"I'm sorry God...I just can't go back to the place I was before. I just can't worship you the way I used to."

I was so ignorant then. Those were the days when I thought that God sending people to an eternal torture chamber was the right thing for him to do. I was so glad that I had gotten myself out of that future doom that I used to dance around and sing and do all kinds of crazy things. It was wild. I blush when I think if it now.

How did I do that? What kind of mind control does a person have to be under to dance and sing and pour out their love to somebody who was quite capable of frying their ass for eternity and would do it if they stopped believing the right thing?

When I hear those old songs that I used to praise God to now...I just can't get into them. When I try to go back in time and relive the emotions I once had...I am interupted by this image. I'm dancing and then I get this funny look on my face and say..."Wait, weren't you the one who was going to fry my ass?" I stop dancing.

The Seatbelt Holy Spirit

2006-10-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday having lunch with christians. I don't like to have lunch with christians, but I was invited to see someone who I have not seen in a while and I decided I would make the sacrifice.

At some point in the conversation, a pastor in the group, began to tell us of an event that had happened to him a couple of weeks earlier. He was in Chicago and came upon a seatbelt check. He didn't realize what it was because he comes from a small town where the police don't set up these kind of things. The funny thing was that he said a short while before getting to this location, the Holy Spirit told him to put his seatbelt on, but he disobeyed. His wife didn't have hers on either. They got a $75 ticket.

I always find it interesting when people have this extra personal relationship with the Holy Spirit. He tells them what to wear, what color to paint a room and to put their seatbelt on because the cops are up ahead. As I thought about this later in the day I wondered why the Holy Spirit didn't tell the preacher to put the seatbelt on when he got in the car and began his trip. I guess the Holy Spirit doesn't care about the laws of our roads he's just there to keep the guy from paying a ticket. So really, the Holy Spirit helps people to lie. This guy is not a seatbelt wearer, but if he listens to the Holy Spirit more closely he can count on his buddy to give him a heads up on the police. That may even work for speeding. I know he speeds a lot too. Gee, maybe he should develope this little helper more. He could start asking the Holy Spirit to give him lottery numbers or the right horses to bet on. The possibilities are endless.

Andera Yates

2006-10-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

You know who she is don't you? She's the mother who drowned all five of her children in the bath tub. She has been declared insane. I don't doubt that. The amount of effort it would have taken to carry out the job proves that. But what I find interesting is that what she believed is the current christian belief.

Andrea knew that she wasn't doing a good job of getting her children saved from hell. Her oldest son was nearing the age of accountability. She feared for his eternal soul. So, she decided to kill them all before they reached that dreadful age so that they would be ushered into heaven. She was willing to spend eternity in hell to assure this. When she spilled this in court, she was considered insane. Funny isn't it. According to popular christian teachings she should be considered the most loving mother that has ever walked the earth. She insured her children's salvation at the price of her own. If what you are believing were taken literally and acted upon would you be considered insane. Then perhaps your beliefs are insane.

When I tell christians this story, they try to side step it by saying that God doesn't want us to do that kind of stuff. I think the story of Andrea Yates proves that christians don't really believe that there is an eternal torment awaiting their unsaved children. Come on, think about it. What is 80 years on this planet compared to eternity in hell. It's a trade that any really loving parent would make for their children.

While we're at it...let's honor the abortion doctors for their 100% salvation guarantee. Every one of the babies they come into contact with goes straight to heaven. These guys aren't killers, they are ministers of heaven with a better salvation rate than any preacher out there.

Dangerous ground

2006-10-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

So, have you ever told God to go "f" himself? I didn't mean it literally. How would God do that anyway? It's just that in my little mind the "f" word is the worst of all words. I was brought up believing that words have a certain level of badness and that one has the highest level. So, when I needed to let God know the intensity of my anger, the "f" word was the only one that would do.

Gee, does this whole "get religion out of your system" thing ever reach the bottom?

I wouldn't recommend telling God to go "f" himself, but it sure is nice to know that I can.

What if!

2006-10-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and my first thought was of God (as it is most mornings.) I thanked him for not treating me the way I deserve. Then it dawned on me. Why do I feel like a worm in relation to God every day? It's because I have been taught with the Bible by people that God should crush me. I'm scum. Then I got another thought.

What if God never intended to relate to people through a book. What if people all around the world put down their holy books (whatever that may be.) What would this world look like? Some would say that this world would be over run with sin. People would be having sex, killing each other, stealing, and every other kind of sin imaginable would be going on. And yet with these precious holy books, people are having sex, killing each other, stealing, and every other thing you can imagine. And most of them are the ones who are reading the holy books!

As I laid in my bed and contemplated these thoughts, I wondered...what would a world be like without people following these holy books?

I probably wouldn't have woke up feeling like I'm scum to a holy God. I would have figured that since I woke up at all, he must want me around another day.

Love Letter? Yeah right!

2006-10-17T06:48:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite movies is "The Village." Everything about it is wonderful to me...a piece of art. But what I really like about the movie is the message...If you are told something your whole life, no matter how ridiculous it is, you will believe it.

I have been told most of my life that the Bible is a love letter from God to me. A love letter they say.

When I think of how the Israelites kept wondering away from God and how he would send someone after them to beat them down until they came crawling back. It's all over the Old Testament. Gee, we have a safe house in my town for women who want to leave their husbands but are afraid of what he will do to them if they do. Somehow when God does it, it's called love.

God loved Job so much that he set the devil loose on him to kill all of his kids and nearly destroy his body. Where can I find me that kind of love!

Then the ultimate...Jesus. God set it up so that Jesus would get the shit kicked out of him, and we are told that God loved Jesus more than anything.

Perhaps I have grown up in a world where love was misrepresented to me. I was told love was caring for someone and making sure that I did everything I could to keep them safe and whole. I thought love was forgiving someone over and over and putting myself in danger to save them from it.

Am I the only one who finds the whole thing to be a bit disturbing? If that is how God treats the ones he loves, I think I would rather not be loved by him. I think I would rather he not notice me and just leave me alone.

Does it exist?

2006-10-13T19:56:00.000-07:00

Today I was talking with someone who I thought had a rock solid marriage only to find out that she basically hates her husband. She used that word! What the heck! There is this whole secret life going on that nobody sees. They have a public image and something totally different when they are alone. I can't believe that people live this way! Perhaps single life is the way to stay.

I want to hear from anybody who has been married more than 15 years and is still in love. Do we just grow into these people who co-exist in bad marriages? Is it possible to actually stay passionate about someone you are married to after many years and that person feel the same way about you? Don't feed me a load of crap. If you aren't having good sex with your spouse then don't respond to this post. If you treat other people with more respect than your spouse...then don't bother to try to sell me on your so called good marriage. I'm losing hope in mankind. It would appear to me that most people are just existing. Who wants to do that? Not me!

Isn't it sad?

2006-10-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

I have two friends who are going through the exact opposite things right now. One is looked upon as a woman of faith and the other is looked upon as a backslider.

One woman (we'll call her Sue) is living with a verbally abbusive man. He treats her worse than most people treat dogs. He is so hateful to her. It disgusts me. She sticks by his side and even said the other day that there is nothing he could do to make her leave him. So, on and on it goes. She endures, lives in denial, and prays for a miracle. She says he's having a bad week, month, year. I've known them. It's been a decade!

The other woman (we'll call her Deb) left her husband of 14 years after years of failed attempts to fix their problems. She just couldn't go on co-existing with somone when there was no love and little respect.

Sue is considered a woman of faith who will receivc her rewards in heaven for sticking to her marriage vows. Deb is looked down upon because she has broken hers.

Sue's life sucks and she just pretends it doesn't. Deb's life sucks but she is brave enough to find a new life. Why does the church hate Deb for what she is doing and love Sue for what she is doing? Isn't the real woman of faith the one who is stepping out and trusting that there is something better than what she has?

Should a woman be condemed because she wants to be loved? Should a woman be honored because she can live without love?

The Bible gives permission (of course that depends on which church you attend) to divorce if there is adultery. But it is very quiet about abuse. So, women all over the place are putting up with men who treat them like shit so as not to offend God.

I'm not promoting divorce. I'm divorced and it has its suffering. But to stay in a loveless marriage is so sad to me. I think I would rather spend my life looking for love and never finding it than laying down and giving up. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. I tend to think it makes me a woman of faith.

I got my answer

2006-10-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

It came to me in the words of a song by Corrine Bailey Rae...

three little birds sat on my window and they told me that I don't need to worry
summer came like cinnamon, so sweet
little girls double-dutch on the concrete
maybe sometimes
we've got it wrong, but it's alright
the more things seem to change
the more they stay the same
o, don't you hesitate
girl put your records on
tell me your favorite song
you go ahead let your hair down
sapphire and faded jeans
i hope you get your dreams
just go ahead let your hair down
your gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

What did I hear in this song??? Be like a little child. Trust the Father, don't worry about the other kids on the block! Who cares what they think. My Father can take care of me.

Do I dare

2006-10-08T07:43:00.000-07:00

I started this blogg so that I could comment on other people's bloggs. Since I had one, I decided that I would use it as a place to be truthful. I never guessed that anybody would read it. So I thought I had this safe place to get it all out. In a strange way, I guess I thought that I was kind of telling somebody since there was the remote chance that someone would read it. But I had the safe feeling that probably nobody would.

Alas, there have been several somebodies reading my posts and this causes me to want to hide what I am about to share. I guess this blogg has become much like the church was for me...act a certain way. I don't want to do that. I want to be honest. I'm striving for honesty about myself to myself and others. So, at the risk of somebody reading this and thinking that I am a bad person, I'm going to say it anyway.

I have been single for 9 years. (Long story, not going into it right now, not important.) For years, I thought I was this virtuous woman. I looked down on women who weren't doing as well as I was. Then, I left church and realized that most of what I was not doing wasn't because of my strength as a christian, but was because I had set my life up in a totally safe environment. It's like living your life and never stepping off of the sidewalk and then bragging that you have such clean shoes. So what!!!

I've been approached by a man. Let's just say he reminded me that I am a woman. Something that I haven't thought of in 9 years. I've kept myself busy doing the church thing and looking down on everybody who wasn't doing it as well as I thought I was, so no man ever even had a chance to catch my eye. There were none as in tune with God as me.

Well, I have had a huge change of heart. I don't feel like the super strong christian who commands her life and keeps things squeeky clean. I realized that I am the chief of all sinners! I'm no better than anybody else, probably much worse. I wonder if going to church and playing spiritual giant isn't a good thing. It protected me from myself. I sit here this morning feeling very vunerable and weak.

I don't worry about how God feels about me. He knew I was this way all along. But what I worry about is sinning. I don't want to get caught up in it. I have kids. I don't want to be a bad example.

To make matters worse...there is another reason I don't want to fall into sexual sin??? Is it because I don't want to sin against my father God? No! It's because I don't want all of those "I told you so's" to get the pleasure of hearing that I have fallen from sainthood.

Am I pathetic or what? The problem is I don't really know what to do. If I go to any christian I know they will tell me to "Get back in church." I don't want to.

I don't want to be promiscious, but at the same time, I don't want to go back to the outwardly protective lifestyle. I'm stuck!

very supersticious 2

2006-10-06T15:25:00.000-07:00

I was thinking more about the whole annointing people's stuff without their permission thing...something that was done quite often in my old church. Parents would annoint their rebellious kid's room, wives would annoint their cheating husband's underware...that kind of stuff (you think I'm kidding, I promise you I am not!!!) Anyway, I think it's very strange that these same people would say that God will not force himself on you. That you have to invite him into your life. Gee, isn't that talking out of both sides of your mouth. God won't force himself on you unless somebody covers you with oil? Sounds like Crisco made up this one!!!

very supersticious

2006-10-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

I think some christianity is based on superstition. When I listen to christians talk, sometimes I think the things they say are very silly.

My aunt is very concerned about me not attending church. She said that when she was younger she stopped attending church and she felt the devil come into her (right in the back.) Gee, that sounds kind of weird. So, in other words when she was going to church every Sunday the devil couldn't get into her? Again, very strange sounding. She, of course, "got right with God," and is back in church (wouldn't miss a Sunday.) The devil left her. She told me this while sitting in a hospital bed. She has emphazemia and smokes. Her 34 yr old son lives with her. He doesn't work. They are so poor that she can't afford her medicine most of the time. But thank God she is back in church and the devil is gone!!!

Then last night, as I was sitting in Wal-Mart's parking lot, I saw an old friend of mine. His wife left him a few months ago. She works at Wal-Mart. So he stops by whenever he can to touch her car. Knowing the church he comes from, I'm sure he has oil on his hand when he does it. They are big on annointing things. I guess they believe that they are doing some kind of spiritual battle. I guess they think that when she gets in her van and the oil is on it, that the devil can't get in with her (or something close to that.)

Could it be that if you equate going to church with the devil staying away from you and then you stop going to church you believe that you are open to him and you start to do devilish things? And the whole thing is a just a mindset?

Could it be that what you need to do to get your wife back is change what you were doing that made her leave? Covering her van with oil isn't going to change a thing.

I don't know. These are two very sweet people, but it all seems so supersticious.

Oh the Freedom!!

2006-10-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

It's so wonderful to become honest with one's self. Nothing can quite compare to being real. I used to have to hide who I was so that God would accept me. How silly. As if you can really hide anything from God.

I'm not married. Haven't been for a long time. I tried my hardest to be totally content with just Jesus in my life...no man necessary. I did a pretty good job of it for a long time in the public eye. My friends thought I was super saint. But I knew what was going on in my heart and in my mind.

A friend told me today that I should consider getting married soon because she has noticed a real change in me lately. It's funny. I guess my outside is starting to match my inside. Little does she know that my thought life hasn't changed one bit. I've always thought about men and getting married again. I just didn't dare say it out loud.

Gee it's nice to be real!! It's nice to be a woman again.

Who determines when we die?

2006-10-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today on the tractor, while pulling the hay riders to the pumpkin field, I almost killed a 19 year old young man. I'm not exagerating. Where it not for something beyond myself, I would not be on the computer right now, but curled up in my bed in the fetal position wishing I were dead.

It's a long story, but my boss's son was riding on the tractor with me and slipped off. He held himself away from the giant tire by his upper body strength. I stopped the tractor as soon as I realized what had happened, but had things been different, he would have been dead by the time I stopped.

Who determines our death? Was it simply not this boy's time to die? Did God spare us of a terrible event that he doesn't spare others of? Do we dare think that we had anything to do with the safe outcome? I think not. I know me, and I know him. We are both careless at time. We are both lacking as God's children. I take no credit for the good outcome. All I can do is thank God that this didn't turn out as it could have.

What I learned in the pumpkin patch

2006-09-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day of work at the pumpkin patch. I drive a tractor on the weekends and pull hay rides full of people who want to get a pumpkin the authentic way. It's so beautiful back in the patch. I love the vines, the flowers, the butterflies, and all of the smells and colors of fall.

While I sit on my tractor and wait for people to find just the right pumpkin, I do a lot of thinking. Today as I sat on my tractor I thought of how much God loves these people. Some of them are nice. Some of them aren't so nice. But all of them are loved by God and because of this, I care about them too.

I also realized something about men in the pumpkin patch today...men are just big boys. They all want the biggest pumpkin they can find!

Thanks God for creating pumpkins and boys!

Comfortably numb

2006-09-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

I feel so out of place when I read other people's bloggs. They seem to have such a desire to search for God. They are passionately pursuing truth.

I've lost my umph! I should be worried about this, I know. But, I'm not. Is a lack of desire to pursue God a sin? I would think so. Did Jesus take on that sin and pay the price for it. I know so.

Two years ago, I would have been up at the alter at my church crying out to God to forgive me and fix me. Sorry God, it's just not happenin' these days.

I trust that this is part of the process. Seems like I just keep dropping more and more of my old ways of relating to you. I don't miss the old days. Do you?

Couldn't think of a good title

2006-09-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

My friend's dad died tonight very suddenly. He was a kind man. He was a family man. He adopted two children when he was a younger man. Some would say that he wasn't a real christian. I don't know. He attended church, but you know there are rules depending on your theology as to what constitutes you getting into heaven. Did he really believe with all of his heart that Jesus was his savior? Did he actually have a born again experience? Going to church all of you life (especially in the more liberal denominations) doesn't insure you entrance into God's glory according to some theologies.

I have decided tonight that I can believe nothing but universal reconciliation. If God is waiting for a man to figure out exactly what the requirement is to be redeemed, then I hate God for that. If this man didn't have a true born again experience (whatever the heck that is,) then the other option (according to most christian teachings) is to believe that he is burning in hell right now. I cannot and will not love a God who does that. John Teach didn't have a chance in the religious world we live in to figure out what was required of him. There are about 50 thousand different interpretations of what God wants. If God didn't do for John what he was uncapable of doing for himself then he is not a God of love and he wasted Jesus on a chance. If God did indeed send John to a torture chamber because he didn't figure the truth out...I guess I'll be joining John in the future.

I know this post makes me sound pissed at God. I'm not. I'm pissed at most of christianity and it's messages.

Rant!!!

2006-09-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

I did name my blogg thoughts and rants. I guess it's time for a rant.

So, why is it that people can get all of this healing and spiritual discernment at seminars and not in their everyday lives? I'm so sick of the whole seminar mentality. I'm so sick of the whole "Come to us for answers to your problems...oh by the way, here comes the offering plate."

I hear of all of the great things God is doing for people...healing, prophesies, whatever, you name it, it's happening there. My problem is why is it that it only happens in the seminar? People get all of this so called insight and spirituality at these seminars and then what? I'll tell you what...they come home, the hype wears off and it's back to the same old thing.

Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe Jesus meant for us to spend our lives going to seminars. Maybe that is where he and the Holy Spirit hang out. Guess I'm screwed here in my living room! If they visit churches, they sure as heck missed mine. I guess they do make showings at revivals. Where can I find me one of those?

That's it! I'm quitting my job, packing up the kids, and hitting the circuit. Jesus, here I come to find you!!!! Oh, yeah, how much are the tickets?

Am I headed in the right direction?

2006-09-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

So here I sit God, another Sunday morning still in my PJs while so much of my town hurries off to church. You know I don't miss worrying about what to wear or how my hair looks. You know I don't miss getting up early. The kids don't miss that either. But as I sit here this morning, I wonder if I have grown closer to you and more loving of people. That is the goal right?

Well, how can I measure if that is happening? I'm not reading the Bible these days. You know why. I'm not praying like I used to. You know the reason for that too. You know why I don't give money to "christian work" anymore. You know why I don't walk around and sing songs to about you anymore. Or have long discussions about you with christians anymore. I don't worry about sin these days. Nor am I worrying about my kid's spirituality anymore. But what am I doing.

I can't really point to anything that I'm doing. I used to have a great list of things that I was doing for or because of you. The only thing that I can point to that is different in me is that I don't look down on sinners anymore. I identify with them on some level.

Am I on the right path? It sure doesn't seem like it. Honestly God, I don't feel any closer to you. I feel a lot closer to myself ( I am beginning to understand who I am.) I feel a lot closer to sinners (because I know I am no different in many ways.) Are you OK with where I'm at these days?

I know it may not seem like it, but I really do want to be what you want me to be. It's just that I don't want to waste my life being what "people" say you want me to be only to find out that they were wrong. It wouldn't bother me if I wanted to do what they said I had to, but if I don't want to do it and then I do it and then I find out I didn't have to, well, that would piss me off.

Can a person truly find you all by themself? Am I going to find what I am looking for on this path. If not, please move me. I hate to waste time doing stupid things.

So, just know God that if you don't step in and do something that will adjust my steps, I'm going to keep walking in the direction I'm headed. If my life turns out to be a disaster, or if I never come to a close relationship with you, I will tell people that they cannot trust you to take charge. They have to figure it out themselves somehow and do it.

However, if you are guiding my steps and you are bringing me to a closer walk with you, I will tell everybody that they can totally trust you. As someone said..."When you find you are at the end of your rope...let go." It seems to me that it's one or the other. It's either going to be you doing it or me doing it.

What will it be God?

If my friends could see me now

2006-09-23T16:15:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to the book "My Life" by Bill Clinton. He is an amazing person. I'm not saying that I agree with him politically or in any other way, but I have come to respect the man for who he is. Once you hear someone's life story, you start to understand why they do what they do and why certain things are important to them.

What would my christian/republican friends say if they knew that I respect Bill Clinton now? When I was heavy into "the group," I thought he was evil. I mean we all know that Jesus is a republican right? Democrats are evil people who are doing the devil's work and republicans are doing God's work. It's so simple.

Well, life was much more simple when I just followed the group and didn't think for myself. Today I came to appreciate William Jefferson Clinton. I would even enjoy having dinner with him. (Gee perhaps he'll read my blogg and look me up!) What is happening to me. I am becoming a person who I don't recognize. It's nice to meet you! Thank you.

I want to be free

2006-09-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

I got an email today from a new friend. She feels God's love when she reads the Bible. I have never felt that. When I read the Bible, I feel God's irritation at man. Why am I this way? Why can't I know the loving God. I have been introduced to the hating God. Who did this to me? Why did I believe them? How do I get free from this? God help me.

How do they justify their acts

2006-09-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

Christians who believe that most of the world is headed to hell and that it is up to them to get them saved confuse me. How do they justify spending their money on such frivolous stuff when by their own beliefs people are going to hell today. How can a christian go out and buy a new pair of jeans (when they own 5) because these make your butt look smaller, when they believe that somewhere somebody is in need of the message? It's a quandry to me.

But at the same time I wonder if I have come to the belief that Jesus finished it at the cross and that it isn't up to me to make it so in their lives because I want to buy a new pair of jeans that make my butt look good.

Someone found me

2006-09-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

That's a little scarey. I didn't know I could be found. I'm not very internet savoy. However, since this person doesn't really know who I am, I can still be painfully honest. What's the point if I'm not?

Why am I so Different?

2006-09-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

Things have changed so drastically for me these days. It's strange to see people enjoying what you used to love to do but no longer desire to do. The seminar!!! The seminar!!! Oh the mountain top experience! I used to love that kind of stuff. I actually thought that it helped. It didn't. You go, you get all excited and think things are going to be different. They aren't. At least not for long.

So, tonight, thousands of people (many of whom are my old church buddies) will be praising their hearts out to God. Why can't I do that anymore. Why can't I sway back and forth to the music with my eyes closed and my hands doing some kind of wierd thing anymore? Where did it go? Do I miss it? No. Why not? Shouldn't I?

I never liked being that kind of person. It was a weird little secret that I had. I would have never done it in front of my family. Too weird! I guess it feels good to be real and not doing something that I'm not totally comfortable with. I had to be with the right group of people in the right atmosphere to do it. That's silly. But that was the way it was. I'll give C. credit. She does it everywhere she goes. Don't want to be like that though. Don't want to be the spiritual nut girl anymore. I just want to be me.

I'm sorry God if this disappoints you. I'm sorry if your goal for me was to become this mega spiritual person who lived on another level. I tried to get there. You know I did. I never got there. Thank you! I never really wanted to be there anyway. You knew that. I didn't. Maybe that's why I never got there.

So, many of my old friends are off having the mountain top spiritual experiences this weekend. I'm just me. I won't be doing any of that. Heck, I won't even be reading the Bible. They will be listening to sermon after sermon gaining spiritual insight. I did all of that. It didn't deliver in me what it was supposed to. Did I fail you? Probably.

What has happended here is called by chrisitians as backsliding. But it's not the typical backsliding that I'm familiar with. There's no drinking or sex involved. Why is that? The others go get drunk and have sex. Why is mine so different? Is it just a matter of time?

As I told someone yesterday. I'm going to jump totally into this whole new way of looking at you and me. Only then will I know if it's what it's supposed to be. I guess I just can't take anybody's word for it. Gotta live it.

Cell phones users can be so rude!

2006-09-21T06:38:00.000-07:00

There should be a class that is required for cell phone users to attend before purchasing their phone. I should run the class and this is what I would teach.

1. Do not talk on your phone in the car so that other people are forced to listen to your one sided stupid conversation.

2. Since it's obvious you would rather be with the person on the phone than the person you are with, leave!

3. When you try to give the person on the other end the little clue that you can't talk about something right now because the person in the car would hear you, find another way. We know you are talking about us!

4. Get a life!

That's it. I guess the class would be short. Not too many would graduate though because people are generally rude and being considerate of others isn't something that is done these days. We walk around talking on the phone instead of talking to the people we are around. What's next virtual sex!

I've joined the ranks

2006-09-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

After much thought, I've decided to join the ranks of bloggers. Not that I think anyone will read what I have to say, but it seemed like the thing to do. What does one do on these things? I guess you type your little heart out and feel better. I hope nobody I know ever reads this, because it's going to get ugly at times. I hope this is good therapy for me. There is something romantic about typing your thoughts and being annoymous (boy I wish this had spellcheck!) I don't intend to ever give this address to a real person I know. What's the point. It's like having a diary that you keep open on the living room table. This will be my place to say what I want. So for now, good bye.

I'm looking stupid

2006-09-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

I think I'm getting the hang of it.

thoughts-and-rants

2006-09-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

Looking stupid

So, I think I might be getting it.

thoughts-and-rants

2006-09-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

thoughts-and-rants

I'm still very new at this, so I'm basically playing around and trying to figure this out.

Wow! I can't believe I did it!

2006-09-20T06:39:00.000-07:00

I have finally decided, after much thought, to start my own blogg. I'm clueless about this whole things, so I guess we will see how it goes.