Funny...

I met a man this week who was once a minister. He has walked away from it all... mostly due to a divorce... but in many ways because he started doing the same thing that many of us are doing... asking the dangerous questions.

He doesn't know it... but he believes in Universal Reconciliation... We will discuss it at some point, and I'll let him know that there are a bunch of us out there who are just like him.

I'm really excited to get to talk more with him about it. He's really smart... but he's out of the box. I find that there is nothing more stimulating than conversations with really smart ex-box people.

I'm so grateful for the new friends that I have made these last 2 years. People who I would have never given the time of day to before are now fascinating to me in their thoughts and questions. It's a pretty amazing thing when you stop being so closed minded!!

Do you ever wonder why you're self centered?

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I am so self centered. Seems like everything in life revolves around how it affects me. That's pretty pathetic. Hate it!

But then I started thinking about the image of God that I was raised with. He is jealous...if you don't love him with all of your heart he will send you to an eternal torture. He created creatures to praise him and if they don't, they pay the price. If you don't do what he says on this earth...he will curse you and bring you to your knees. Gee...wonder where I got such a self centered attitude from...

This is exactly why I don't get the Bible. God is love... agape love. Agape love loves with no strings attatched. Love is patient, love is kind, it is not self serving...it keeps no records of wrongs..it is never ending. So, how exactly do these two images of God fit together? Damned if I know!!!

What's New in my Crazy Head!!

Thanks to all of you guys who care enough about me to pray for me and check on me. Thank you so much.

I've not been blogging much lately because I have been dealing with stuff... my stuff...my ugly stuff... And here it is for you to see...

I am the type of woman who NEEDS the attention and admoration of a man. Tis true...pathetic...but true. It has been what has been driving me for quite a while now. I have been seeing this guy and I have basically overwhelmed him with my NEED.

It's funny. I thought I was a victim. I felt like a victim..."I need someone to tell me how special I am..." But this last week it all came clear to me. I'm not a victim...I'm a selfish person!!! It's all about me! Every relationship that I have been in with a man has been all about how he makes me feel...ME..ME...ME! That's so wrong! How did I become this type of person?

Self centeredness has a way of disguising itself and looking weak when in reality it is a monster.

It's been a hard couple of weeks around here. It's hard when you live a certain way for so long and it is a part of your personality and then you decide you want to change it.

I know that God knows how selfish I am. He has known all along. I'm not working on this issue to impress God...I'm dealing with this head on because it makes life suck and it is an ugly way to be. I ask God to help me everyday to overcome this flaw...and He is helping me.

So, to those of you who believe that God doesn't hear and answer the prayers of fornicators...you are wrong. He is helping this self-centered fornicator to change!!

FEAR

Of all the things that rob me in this life...fear is the one that is the cruelest. It robs me of things that aren't even here yet or things that aren't even real. It paralizes me...it lies to me...it torments me...

I hate fear! I hate it more than anything that I can think of. It makes me look ahead and think the worst. It robs me of life's simple pleasures. It makes me see my glass as half empty instead of half full. It alters my paths because it projects a terrible outcome. God!!! I hate fear!!

Why am I so afraid? When did I first learn about this fear? Well, probably as a child something bad happened to me and it made me feel really bad, so I started worrying that that bad feeling would return in some shape or form. I don't like to feel bad so I began to fear that that feeling would return.

But I know when fear really set in. I know when it became my master. It was when I first was told that if I didn't do a certain thing that God would torture me forever...Fear didn't set in right away. It wasn't until I believed that what I had been told was true that it gained its power. "Do this and you'll be fine...do that and you will burn in hell." I was told this by someone who I loved and respected. I was young...I believed them. At the point, all of my decisions became fear based. It was no longer about growing as a person...it was about keeping my ass out of the flames. Talk about stunting a person's growth!!! Life, at that point, became about doing the right things so that that place that I feared, more than anything, would be avoided.

With the fear of hell nothing more than a silly belief in the past...I am finally beginning to grow as a person. And now that the ultimate fear in life is gone...hell...I am learning to conquer other fears. Here are a few...

Fear of being hurt
Fear of messing up my kids
Fear of being poor
Fear of growing old alone
Fear of being disabled
Fear of not pleasing people
Fear of wasting my life
Fear of getting in over my head
Fear of becoming a drunk
Fear of becoming a slut
Fear of becoming a Jehovah's Witness (you may laugh...but it really has been a fear...not just them but any wacky religious group)
Fear of getting ugly
Fear of going bald (again...really has been a fear)
Fear of failing at life (who decides that one?)

I hate fear!!!! At least a burgler steals real stuff...your TV, computer, money, car. Fear on the other hand is much more devious...it robs you of things that aren't even there and tortures you in the process!!! God!!! I hate fear!!!

My Way

No...it's not a Frank Sinatra song...It's Los Lonely Boys

"I don't need no fortune
I don't need no fame
That's all just an illusion
To me, it don't mean a thing, No
You can try and deceive me, but I see right through your skin
What you try to tell me is something I don't believe in
Listen to me

Don't tell me how to live my life
Don't tell me how to pray
Don't tell me how to sing my song
Don't tell me what to say
Cause I believe that miracles happen every day
I don't care what you say...I'm gonna do it my way

You say you have all the answers
And I should do it your way
How many times do I have to tell you, I ain't no puppet on a string
Listen to me

Don't tell me how to live my life
Don't tell me how to pray
Don't tell me how to sing my song
Don't tell me what to say
Cause I believe that miracles happen every day
I don't care what you say...I'm gonna do it my way"





I could not have said it better myself!!!! Now that I think about it...Frank had the right idea too!

If you Build it...They will come

Remember that movie...Field of Dreams? Ever feel that way? It's like you have to be ready for the amazing event that is ready to come your way. That's what's happening in me these days. I'm ready for certain things in my life...so here they are!! It's wonderful.

Christians mean well...but they are so boxed in with their theology...so narrow minded. If I had stayed in the mindset I was in 3 years ago...none of this would have come my way.

Thanks christians for all you try to do to help me...but you see...God is so much bigger than you realize...he won't be contained in your nice little box...he lives outside of it...and I have joined him there. I know I make you uncomfortable when I say things like...it's only a book written by men...but it is truly the way I see it. God will not be contained in words on paper...rules of conduct...step by step formulas.

Thanks christians for your warnings of pending doom and judgement...I know you mean well...but God is not as you think he is. You are seeing him through the eyes of men who wanted control over people. God desires to control no man.

I dance with God through this beautiful thing called life on this earth. Some days I cry some days I laugh...but I always dance. He sets me free from you...you bind me. You bind me with your rules and regulations and then demand that I dance. He frees me with his love and I can't help but dance in the liberty.

Thank you for your concern...but you really need to be concerned for yourself. You have placed yourself and your book as my judge. I don't think God likes what you are trying to do to me...He can speak to me quite clearly... Why don't you spend time alone with God away from all of your theology and see where he leads you.

The Prophet Speaketh

I had someone, who is currently going to a school of ministry that is big into prophecy, ask me if he could call some of his friends and ask them to give prophecies for me. Do you see the sign that says stupid on me? I said OK.

Well, let's just say that I sat there for 1 hour and listened to all of the personal prophecies about how I am sinning and need to turn from it. The devil has pulled me away...blah...blah...blah

I know what God is doing inside of me. The moment he opened his mouth...I knew that it didn't match what is happening in my heart. I will admit, it shook me up for a few minutes...but I finally decided that I have to follow the voice that I hear and not the voice of man. Always hard for me to do. Gee...things are a changin' though. There was a time when I would have really struggled with hearing that my heart isn't matching the voice of the so called prophet. I would have gone into a spiral of questioning emotions and made myself sick over it. Boy, I don't miss those days.